Christmasy Time of Year

I'm supposed to be writing my final set of lesson plans as a student teacher (!), but I thought I would blog instead. I'm sitting in our kitchen, which is my favorite place in our house, drinking a little egg nog and listening to White Christmas radio on Pandora. When it comes to Christmas, I am the biggest, cheesiest Christmas person you will ever know. Our apartment is decorated to the hilt, with lights and funny snowmen and candy canes.
Christmas brings back so many memories. As I get older, I realize this. Like tonight, when I was sipping my egg nog, the smell of it brought my fifth grade Christmas in Virginia to my mind. We lived in a big green house in the woods, and there was a terrible ice storm. I say terrible because our power was out, but it was really beautiful because all the towering trees around our house looked icy and snowy. We moved everything from our fridge onto a table on our screened-in porch, and I remember the egg nog and my dad pouring me a glass and my family drinking it by the fire.
Sometimes, I really, really want to be a kid at Christmas again. All I worried about was what I was going to get-an American girl doll or a Barbie convertible? Now, Christmas is still wonderful, but I keep thinking about graduating and finding a job and money, and the magic vanishes a little bit. I just can't believe how fast time goes. I'm graduating in 13 days, and it's scary! Exciting, but scary. I'm just going to enjoy Christmas, but I can't help but wish I was back in my green house, drinking egg nog and cozying up to the fire.

I'll Miss College

This is my favorite time of year. The weather was chilly today, and it was kind of misty/rainy weather. This is my favorite kind of weather, and I love listening to Imogen Heap even more when it's like that. For some reason, her voice goes really well with rainy weather. Anyway, Rachel and I went over to our friend Grace's house for dinner tonight. She made tomato and mushroom quiche, and it was really good.
I just love the fact that when you are in college, your world revolves around people. School, too, but college is great because school isn't really what you stay focused on all the time. The people you meet and form relationships with are the best part.
I also love my independence in college. For example, yesterday. Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I had to go to Fayetteville to the U of A to take a test (to make sure I am competent enough to teach English). That part wasn't the greatest, but after that I went to the mall and just shopped a little to give my mind a break, and then I went to Starbucks to grade papers and drink a marble mocha macchiato. Try to say that three times fast. I was shaking from the amount of caffeine by the time I finished it. So I drank water. That's not the point though. The point is that I love my alone time, and I need to do that more often. There was something about it that was so refreshing-different about going places alone than, say, being at my apartment alone. Hopefully that refreshing feeling will last all week, since I am facing unenthusiastic high school students every day.

The More You Look, The Less You See

Last night we had some people over and I fell asleep on the couch at around 10! I feel so old-I can't stay awake anymore. But tonight, I had some espresso at a friend's, and it was so so good, and I can't fall asleep now. I didn't think caffeine could affect me in that way, but I think it does.

I was thinking about what I should do after I graduate. Should I stick around and try to find a job? Should I go to a big city to find one, like Chicago or something? Should I find one overseas? I want to lead an adventurous life, and I think I should travel more. I want to go everywhere. There are so many things to see, and I feel like I've barely seen any of them. Possibilities are limitless when you think about it. Should I plan? Should I just see where everything takes me? The safe idea would be to find a job around here. The exciting thing would be to just go somewhere. Maybe God will open a door for me to go somewhere. I want to be where he wants me. If it's here, that's cool. If it's somewhere crazy, that's good too. I have no idea where I am going right now. All I know is that it's exciting.

Center

God is so good to me. Every day, all the time. And I mess up so much, thinking that it's all about me and putting my relationship with Him last. I went to chapel tonight, and it was just so good. It really reminded me to focus on Christ. I lose focus ALL the time. I become consumed with school and graduating and finding a job and worrying about the future that I forget that He has everything under control. He has plans for my life that I don't even know about. All this time that I have been worrying about student teaching and doing everything perfectly, I should have just spent focusing on Him. I want Him to be all I see right now, and through seeing Him I will be able to see everything else clearly. Does that even make sense? It does in my mind. When you trust God, everything will be ok. It sounds like such a standard answer, but it is the truth I am focusing on right now. I am so thankful that I can live for his purpose, his will, and his plans for me.

Time to Start Posting Again

Well, I guess I'm not too consistent with the blogger thing. I started my student teaching, and I feel all nervous and excited. I'm the new kid again. Except that I'm actually the teacher this time. It's beyond weird. Just when you get used to classes and college and all that, life changes and you are put in a whole new situation. It's good though. The students come on Wednesday, and tomorrow I am working with my cooperating teacher to get the room ready. I'm even nervous about that. Ahh! I guess at some point I have to stop worrying about doing everything perfectly and just roll with it. I'm also adjusting to life as a renter in an apartment. It's SO much better than dorms. (Although buying groceries and cleaning supplies and so on is an expensive experience) Yay for senior year!

I Start my Job Today

I am going to be a waitress again. This time, I'm actually excited because the restaurant is nice-Charleston's. I start training today, because it's a new restaurant and it's opening on Sunday. I'm glad everyone is training together-we are all in the same boat and none of us really know what is going on yet, so that makes me feel better. I'm also going to nanny during the day. Hopefully, my plan works and I won't be too tired and I will be able to save money for my student teaching this fall. I am glad to start work. I had this past week off and I felt like it went by so SLOWLY because I had nothing to do. I feel like it has been summer forever already. I needed to rest, since I was sick, but I am so ready to be busy again. It's weird to think that this is my last summer as a college student, and crazy to think of where I could be by next summer. I really have no clue. That's kind of exciting.

I Wish They Would Leave

Do you ever wish certain memories of people, from your past, would leave your mind? I know it's good to learn from mistakes, and to learn from interactions from people, but sometimes I can't help thinking that. That might sound awful, but I was listening to Glen Hansard's song "Leave" and it made me think that thought. He says it better than me:

Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone

And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long
And the truth has a habit
Of falling out of your mouth
But now that it's come
If you don't mind

Leave, leave,
And please yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you came to now
Leave, leave,
Leave, leave,
Let go of my hand
You said what you have to now
Leave, leave...

Glen Hansard radio on Pandora is great, by the way. Just don't listen to it while you are trying to study for finals, though, because you will write a blog post instead of studying. Like I just did.

Stuff

So I went to make a new post, and I looked at my art link on the sidebar, and there was this gross nude picture. Blogger, when I say I want cool pictures in that little box, I mean cool pictures, not some weirdo art that no one likes.

Today, I had to finish my "spiritual memoir" paper for my class. It was kind of annoying to write, because it is a story that will never be finished, since I am always growing. Oh well. I kind of liked the assignment, kind of didn't. Mostly because I have ZERO motivation currently.

I wish I didn't procrastinate so much. I even wait too long to drink my tea. I will start doing something else, and before I know it, I have five cold cups of Earl Grey sitting around my room. It's bad. I finished my paper just in time today. As in, right before class. One of these days, I will be late and learn my lesson. Except not. Because that was my last paper of my college career. That's crazy to say. Next semester, I will be giving the assignments. And then I will spend my life grading them. That's weird.

I can't believe the semester is over in one week. I can't wait, but then I can, because that means that everything is going to change. Too overwhelming for me to think about right now.

Alone Time

I just want to have a place where I can be alone. I know this sounds so weird, but I need to be alone sometimes. I am an introvert, which means I get my energy from being alone. When you live in a dorm, you are never alone. Except for when you take a shower. Even then, you aren't really alone, because there are people in the bathroom drying their hair, or brushing their teeth. But then, when I do get alone time, sometimes I get too lonely. I don't know. I just want it to be summer. But then I don't want it to be summer, because then it means that I will be a student teacher and I won't be in college for much longer. And I love college. So you see my problem.

Sylvia Plath....

I am supposed to be writing a paper on Sylvia Plath right now. I am fascinated by her short life. She wrote The Bell Jar, which is what she is most famous for, but she also wrote some amazing poems. I am writing my paper about one of these poems. It's called "Daddy." If it sounds weird, it is.
She was obsessed with her dead father and trying to figure him out. While she was a disturbed woman, there is something so brilliant and beautiful about the way she writes. I love it. Here's the poem:

You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time--
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.

In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend

Says there are a dozen or two.
So I never could tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I never could talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.

It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich,
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene

An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.

The snows of the Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.

I have always been scared of you,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You--

Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less the black man who

Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.

But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look

And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two--
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always knew it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

Clearly, she had issues. I know, I know, why should I love this? It is such a confession, and she writes it so beautifully, yet harshly. Genius. So, I am going to try to unpack all the issues in this poem in a mere ten pages. It is going to be a late night.

Reminders

Today there was a great speaker in chapel. He talked about marriage.
It was one of the best chapels I have been to simply because of the practicality of his message. He spoke directly to the single ones in the audience, which was also helpful. He talked about looking for someone who has character and pursues godliness. Which is so true. All of us are initially attracted to looks, of course, and we forget about the important stuff at first. Like, is he going to make a good father someday? Is he going somewhere with his life? It was just good for me to be reminded of that.
He also pointed out that Proverbs 31 was originally not intended for women, but for the men of Israel. They are encouraged in that passage not be swayed by looks and charm, for "charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting." That encouraged me in my walk with Christ. I have spent a lot of time in my life putting on makeup, fixing my hair, and finding just the right outfit. Ultimately, that will all be gone. When I meet the right guy, he's going to appreciate me for my character first. I know this all sounds cliche a little bit, but it was good for me to remember all of these things.

LoveAction

I have been thinking about social justice a lot this semester. For some reason, it has been an overarching theme in my classes. I'm glad. I realize how uninformed I have been. It all started when I researched Harriet Jacobs' Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl for a lit class paper. Then I wrote a newspaper article about it. And now I have been learning about modern slavery, child sex trafficking, and other injustices. And I have discovered what a comfortable life I lead in comparison.
I just can't believe I have been living a life of such selfishness.

Oh yeah, that's another area I'm working on.

When I think about everything I want to help with or work on, I get overwhelmed. That's why it's good to remember what one of my professors said: you can't change everything. As in, don't over commit yourself. So, I have been trying to become more educated on topics. Like modern slavery. I'm giving a speech on it tomorrow. I didn't even know that around 17,000 people are enslaved in the FREE United States. I also didn't know that wealthy American men are some of the biggest participants in the Cambodian child sex trade market. It's disgusting. And hypocritical. People live their lives the way they want to here, in comfort, and participate in the exploitation of another human being's life. Sickening.

So, if somehow, someone reads this and wants to know more, or help more, go to FreetheSlaves.net. It's an amazing website with tons of information to get you started. Also, ijm.org (International Justice Mission). They have ways to get involved too.

Lately, I can't get 1 John 3:16-18 out of my head. It exemplifies the life I want to lead. Enough with legalism and perfectionism. A life of holiness, as I have been reading in one of my classes, is a life that functions as it should, or was designed to. 1 John reads 3 reads,
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another. If any one of you has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in you? Dear children, let us not love in words or tongue, but with actions and in truth."
Don't lie to yourself and say you can't do anything to help. The truth of the problem is staring at us. We can help to overcome the problems of social injustice.

Marvelously Magnificent March

Since today is the last day of March, I thought I would commemorate it by writing a post. It's been awhile since my last one. So much for posting every day.

Oh well.

This has been a great month. Busy, but good. I just got back from my Spring Break trip to Washington, D.C., which was was of the best trips I have been on. I am such a city girl. I fall in love with every city I visit. When I went to Chicago, I pictured myself living there. The same happened when I went to Kansas City and every city in Europe and D.C. There's just something appealing about the hustle and bustle. I find myself sucked into the fast paced life, and when I leave I become very sad. I know that I'm a nerd, but I love the museums and shops and old buildings and interesting people. Now I'm back in my little college town, and it feels way too quiet. I know I should appreciate its "quaintness" , but I am just really excited to move on to a different place. I am excited to see the city where I end up, but for now, it's back to sipping tea and reading Tennessee Williams.

Think Tank

I am so ungrateful sometimes. I go to a great university where I am challenged to think. I am forced to think about everything I have ever believed in my life. If there is only one thing I learn while I am here, I want it to be how to always think for myself. Growing up, I tended to be a shy person who didn't want to stand out at all. Now, I realize how valuable it is to believe what you believe and know WHY. I was talking to someone about sweatshop labor, because she was writing a paper about it and I was helping to edit it. I was asking her about it and trying to think about it, and she said, "I don't really think about this stuff. I don't really know about it." And I was thinking, you're writing a freaking paper on it. How can you act like you don't really care? How can you say you don't think about it?

I don't want that to be me.

I can talk a good talk, but if I don't do anything, what's the point? I'm not trying to point at his girl and say, "Look at her. She doesn't care." I just realized that I do the very same thing. I talk about social justice, but I don't think about who makes my clothes. It's not some happy little factory. It could be a worker who lives on a dollar a day. But do I care? I only think about me. What's convenient, what the best deal is. What I like. Me me me me. I can talk forever about action but never actually act.

I was watching some tv with my friend Rachel tonight, and this show came on called True Beauty. I can say that this show disgusts me. Our society is so twisted. To pick a person who is shallow and consumed with themselves and call them America's most beautiful person makes me so sad. It's just frustrating. If that's what beauty is, then I must be blind.

I guess the point of all this is that I have been thinking a lot this semester. I realize that I have accepted ideas and things when I had no idea what they really mean or why I believe in them. I just want to be my own person, and be confident in that. I want to know God more too. I want to know him so much that my complete identity is in him. Not in school, or friends, myself, or my own mind. In him. I still rely too much on myself, and I want to depend solely on him.

What kind of news is this?

Today in Public Speaking, my professor was talking about being up to date on current events. I fully agree with this. I feel like many people of my generation are completely clueless about what goes on in the world, and they only care about what they read in a magazine or watch on mtv. No one thinks for themselves anymore. Anyway, I realized that I don't watch the news enough, so I turned it on tonight. And what do I see? Clips of an angry woman from youtube, a Nascar driver crying because he won some race, and an over-analysis of an upcoming Arkansas Razorbacks basketball game. Great, they just revealed that they will be talking about Barbie Doll's 50th anniversary. Really? I think I just lost brain cells watching this. From now on, I will watch CNN or visit the New York Times online.

Lil Wayne helps me study

I have so many different things going on in my mind right now. I was studying for my intercultural communications exam, but I was listening to rap to keep me going, which is kind of contradictory, because I was studying all of these nice things about how to communicate with people and angry men were rhyming in my ear. I should stop listening to rap. But it gets me into a rhythm.

I feel insecure sometimes. I analyze way too much. I am an ISFJ personality, so this is to be expected. I think about what I say SO much after I say it, which is stupid because I can't do anything about it anymore. It's over. I think I am suffering from the spotlight effect. This is a concept I am learning about in public speaking. It's when you feel like more people notice things about you than they actually do. We are our own worst critics. I am definitely my own worst critic. I'm working on it though.

I would rather write papers than study for a test.

Spring break DILEMMA.....

What am I going to do for spring break? This is the question that is currently plaguing Rachel, Alyssa, and me. It really shouldn't be the main thing on my mind, but I can't help it. It's my last spring break as a college student, and I need to do something exciting. I wanted to go to London and visit Grace at Oxford, but let's get real here. I can't afford a 1000 dollar plane ticket, not to mention all the money I would spend once I got there. If anyone has any ideas that are cheap yet exciting, let me know. I don't want to spend spring break in oklahoma.

21

I'm 21 now! I didn't really get to do anything that exciting, but this weekend I will be in Tulsa and I will. When I was younger, I thought 21 was so old. Now I realize that next year I will be 22, then after that, 23, and so on. I don't need to keep going with that. I know that sounded ridiculous. I'm just saying, I'm going to enjoy 21 while I can, because the time flies.

I'm writing my first column for the year right now. I know, it's just a small opinions column that not many people read, but I still know I need to put a lot of thought into it, because they are my words. People can take print any way they want to, because you are not there to defend it, and you can't let them hear the tone of voice you want it to be in, or maybe why you even wrote a certain statement in the first place. That's the part of writing that is extremely scary. That's why it has to be exactly how you want it to be, as concrete as it can be, with little or no room for someone to make an erroneous judgment about it. Yet, that is one reason I love writing. It's a challenge, and it's exciting.

I think I need to stop writing about writing. Other things do happen in my life. But what can I say, I'm an English major.

BRRR......

Wow, it's cold out. We got a storm alright. My two classes this afternoon were canceled, which is nice. It's going to be a mess tomorrow, though, because all the slush is going to freeze. It looks really pretty though. Pretty, but dangerous, because as I was walking to class tree branches were cracking and falling all around me.

I want an ice storm, please...

So, the forecast calls for bad weather the next couple of days. Of course, this means I receive calls from my mom warning me not to drive anywhere, and it means that it's FREEZING outside. I just want to spend one day curled up in my room, drinking tea and watching movies, not worrying about homework. Will this happen? Will my classes be canceled? I doubt it, but it would be kind of nice. I know, I know, I shouldn't be wanting canceled class this early in the semester, but I can't help myself. (Not to mention that I just spent the weekend not worrying about homework) By the way, my 21st birthday is on Wednesday! Whoohoo

Life and Edgar Allen Poe

For Christmas, I got a collection of Edgar Allen Poe's major tales and poems. It has a really cool cover, with a creepy raven on the front. I thought of you, Shannon, when I saw it. Not that you are creepy, but I just think you would like it. Anyway, Poe had an interesting mind, although it was kind of twisted. I just really enjoy his stuff because it was original. He wrote about what he wanted to, and he made it one of a kind, and I still haven't read anything like it, even today. Here's a little excerpt of "Annabel Lee", one of my favorite poems by Poe:
It was many and many a year ago,
In a kingdom by the sea,
That a maiden there lived whom you may know
By the name of Annabel Lee-
And this maiden she lived with no other thought
Than to love and be loved by me.

She was a child and I was a child,
In this kingdom by the sea;
But we loved with a love which was more than love-
I and my Annabel Lee -
With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
Coveted her and me.

The poem goes on to depressingly state that the speaker is forever separated from Annabel Lee, which is exactly what makes the poem so Poe-ish.
After reading the stories or poems, I can shut the book and remember that I am so grateful to be living the life that I am living, and that maybe when I write my own poetry or columns for the paper, they will be refreshing and hopeful. I know it sounds a little over-optimistic, but that's what I'm striving to be these days. Because I realized-who wants to live a life of complaining and negativity? No one, I hope. I realize I have been too much like that at times. That's what I love about literature. It gives me different perspectives, and introduces me to new worlds, whether that world is one of the parties and marriages of 19th century England (thanks to Jane Austen), or the life of a young slave girl in 19th century America (thanks to Harriet Jacobs), or to a strange, upside-down mind, thanks to Poe. I read fiction, and am enthralled, as I have been since I was little, but then I shut the book and realize that I have so much to experience and learn and live for. And it's exciting.

A New Semester....

I'm trying to work on a lot of things this semester. One of them being keeping up with my blog. I realize that I only post about once every month, and I need to write more. I'm also making more of an effort in my quiet time with God. I feel like I let my spiritual relationship slide last semester, and I got so preoccupied with the craziness of school that I didn't fully realize how far down I had gone. I've always had a struggle with the quiet time thing, and I know now, as I have been doing it consistently, that it makes such a huge difference. I'm not saying that if you don't have quiet time every day that you are horrible or anything, but it is so important. At least to me. Because I realize what I have been missing. I want so much to be doing what he wants me to do, and I want to know him more and in the best possible way that I can. He just needs to come first for me, and that has not been the case. Anyway...
I'm also trying to be more positive. I feel like I complain about stupid stuff and let things affect me and get to me, and I don't want to be like that. I have been focusing on that, and having that mindset has helped a lot too.
Classes have started again, and I am pretty unsure about them so far. I just don't know what to expect, which is also kind of exciting. I am having trouble wanting to do homework. I have been doing everything I can but homework. So in light of that, I am now going to read Redeeming Love, which my friend Rachel recommended and new roommate Kristen just lent me to read. So goodbye for now.