How?

How can I show students that lynching is not something to joke about?

How can I teach students about the Holocaust and have them read literature about it when those same racial and ethnic prejudices are present in their own minds?

How can I teach compassion?

How can I teach students to imagine when all they want to do is stuff earphones in their ears and drown their thoughts with mindless songs?

How can I teach student to critically think? No, not just think, but really really think for themselves without me telling them how?

How can I make them open to poetry?

How can I make them open up to the world around them?

I am saddened by what kids surround themselves with. But more than anything, I am sad to witness the new trend of lets-not-think-I-want-everything-to-be-easy-and-spelled-out-for-me mindsets. Granted, every student is not like this, but I am realizing the challenges that are before me.

Poison and Wine

is the title of the song I'm listening to. By The Civil Wars. It's haunting, and I really like it. You should look it up if you want.

I haven't blogged in months and months, and I think I will start again. This is just a crazy time in life right now. So much is happening, and I am just trying not to think too much about it. When I think about all my friends moving away from me, I get kind of sad, so I just push the thoughts aside.

I am really really excited about finding a full time teaching job and settling down somewhere. It's exciting to think that I could end up anywhere. It's really exciting. I mean, we are all really growing up, or trying to. It's crazy how many people I know who are getting married or having babies. When did this start to happen? Anyway, I am not planning on marriage or children at the moment, but I am going to start my career, and I plan on giving teaching everything I've got. I have so many ideas floating around in my head right now. Like, I can make them read this book, and we can do this project, and I can decorate this certain way. I want to make kids who don't like English like my class. Hey, I get it. Not many people like English. But if you have to learn about commas and Nathaniel Hawthorne, it should at least be a little bit fun. I am to the point where I want my own class so badly that it consumes most of my thoughts. I don't want to just have it just to have a job. I want it because I love teaching more than anything. I didn't mean for this to get into a whole sappy rant about teaching, so I'll stop. I just can't believe that real world is here. I graduated in December, but now that everyone else is done, it's really hitting me. College passed by so quickly.

Christmasy Time of Year

I'm supposed to be writing my final set of lesson plans as a student teacher (!), but I thought I would blog instead. I'm sitting in our kitchen, which is my favorite place in our house, drinking a little egg nog and listening to White Christmas radio on Pandora. When it comes to Christmas, I am the biggest, cheesiest Christmas person you will ever know. Our apartment is decorated to the hilt, with lights and funny snowmen and candy canes.
Christmas brings back so many memories. As I get older, I realize this. Like tonight, when I was sipping my egg nog, the smell of it brought my fifth grade Christmas in Virginia to my mind. We lived in a big green house in the woods, and there was a terrible ice storm. I say terrible because our power was out, but it was really beautiful because all the towering trees around our house looked icy and snowy. We moved everything from our fridge onto a table on our screened-in porch, and I remember the egg nog and my dad pouring me a glass and my family drinking it by the fire.
Sometimes, I really, really want to be a kid at Christmas again. All I worried about was what I was going to get-an American girl doll or a Barbie convertible? Now, Christmas is still wonderful, but I keep thinking about graduating and finding a job and money, and the magic vanishes a little bit. I just can't believe how fast time goes. I'm graduating in 13 days, and it's scary! Exciting, but scary. I'm just going to enjoy Christmas, but I can't help but wish I was back in my green house, drinking egg nog and cozying up to the fire.

I'll Miss College

This is my favorite time of year. The weather was chilly today, and it was kind of misty/rainy weather. This is my favorite kind of weather, and I love listening to Imogen Heap even more when it's like that. For some reason, her voice goes really well with rainy weather. Anyway, Rachel and I went over to our friend Grace's house for dinner tonight. She made tomato and mushroom quiche, and it was really good.
I just love the fact that when you are in college, your world revolves around people. School, too, but college is great because school isn't really what you stay focused on all the time. The people you meet and form relationships with are the best part.
I also love my independence in college. For example, yesterday. Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I had to go to Fayetteville to the U of A to take a test (to make sure I am competent enough to teach English). That part wasn't the greatest, but after that I went to the mall and just shopped a little to give my mind a break, and then I went to Starbucks to grade papers and drink a marble mocha macchiato. Try to say that three times fast. I was shaking from the amount of caffeine by the time I finished it. So I drank water. That's not the point though. The point is that I love my alone time, and I need to do that more often. There was something about it that was so refreshing-different about going places alone than, say, being at my apartment alone. Hopefully that refreshing feeling will last all week, since I am facing unenthusiastic high school students every day.

The More You Look, The Less You See

Last night we had some people over and I fell asleep on the couch at around 10! I feel so old-I can't stay awake anymore. But tonight, I had some espresso at a friend's, and it was so so good, and I can't fall asleep now. I didn't think caffeine could affect me in that way, but I think it does.

I was thinking about what I should do after I graduate. Should I stick around and try to find a job? Should I go to a big city to find one, like Chicago or something? Should I find one overseas? I want to lead an adventurous life, and I think I should travel more. I want to go everywhere. There are so many things to see, and I feel like I've barely seen any of them. Possibilities are limitless when you think about it. Should I plan? Should I just see where everything takes me? The safe idea would be to find a job around here. The exciting thing would be to just go somewhere. Maybe God will open a door for me to go somewhere. I want to be where he wants me. If it's here, that's cool. If it's somewhere crazy, that's good too. I have no idea where I am going right now. All I know is that it's exciting.

Center

God is so good to me. Every day, all the time. And I mess up so much, thinking that it's all about me and putting my relationship with Him last. I went to chapel tonight, and it was just so good. It really reminded me to focus on Christ. I lose focus ALL the time. I become consumed with school and graduating and finding a job and worrying about the future that I forget that He has everything under control. He has plans for my life that I don't even know about. All this time that I have been worrying about student teaching and doing everything perfectly, I should have just spent focusing on Him. I want Him to be all I see right now, and through seeing Him I will be able to see everything else clearly. Does that even make sense? It does in my mind. When you trust God, everything will be ok. It sounds like such a standard answer, but it is the truth I am focusing on right now. I am so thankful that I can live for his purpose, his will, and his plans for me.

Time to Start Posting Again

Well, I guess I'm not too consistent with the blogger thing. I started my student teaching, and I feel all nervous and excited. I'm the new kid again. Except that I'm actually the teacher this time. It's beyond weird. Just when you get used to classes and college and all that, life changes and you are put in a whole new situation. It's good though. The students come on Wednesday, and tomorrow I am working with my cooperating teacher to get the room ready. I'm even nervous about that. Ahh! I guess at some point I have to stop worrying about doing everything perfectly and just roll with it. I'm also adjusting to life as a renter in an apartment. It's SO much better than dorms. (Although buying groceries and cleaning supplies and so on is an expensive experience) Yay for senior year!